Muggle Matchmaker
by Miss Effie
Summary: Who in the name of Fred's polka dot knickers is she? Well, she's Claire, and her quest is to hook Ginny and Harry up, and she's got all sorts of tricks up her 100 percent organic cotton sleeves. SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Contains extreme silliness.
1. A Mysterious Guest in Bed!

Chapter 1

Mysterious Guest in Bed

            "Hello Harry!" said a young girl who had just apparated into Harry's bed.

"Bloody hell!  Who in the name of Fred's polka dot knickers are you?!" he replied, hiding under the covers. 

"Hold on a second," the girl said.  She disappeared for a moment, and then popped back into his bed.  "Silenco!" she said, waving her finger at the curtains.  "There.  Now you can talk aboot Fred's polka dot knickers all you want, without waking up your beautiful roommates."

"Why did you leave?  Wait, first, WHO ARE YOU?" he yelled. 

"I'm Claire, of course.  Who else do you think has the power to appear in your bed at," she checked her watch, "exactly 12:00am?!"

"Um, sorry, but the name 'Claire' doesn't really clue me in."

"Oh.  I'm a muggle."

"Then…how…what?!"

"Well, I'm a muggle writer, so that gives me more power.  And since I am a relatively good muggle writer, I speak with perfect grammar and never say anything out of character."  Claire lifted up his covers.  "Do you mind if I join you?  I'm a little chilly."

"Err…sure," said Harry, realizing he couldn't really disagree, seeing how she was already in the covers with him.

"You don't sleep in the nuddy-pants, do you?" she asked, worriedly. 

"No, that's Ron," he replied, blushing.

"Then why are you blushing?" inquired Claire.

"Well, I'm lying in my bed with another girl underneath the covers beside me, and I haven't known you for more than a minute.  And I'm in my boxers.  It's just a little strange." 

"You've actually known me for," she looked at her watch again, "two minutes, thirty eight seconds.  Wait, make it forty!"  She counted off the seconds.

"All right, I see your point!" said Harry, becoming annoyed. 

"Someone has their knickers in a twist!" she said, one eyebrow raised. 

"I'm tired, and I have classes tomorrow!!!  Why are you here?  What's going on?" Harry whined. 

"Hush…" Claire tried to soothe him, stroking his forehead with her hand. 

"Ah!  Stop touching me!" he yelped, almost falling out of his bed. 

"Okay, actually, I have a quest," she said, becoming business-like. 

"Fine!  Would you get it over with and LEAVE?!" 

"Ouch.  That hurts.  You want me to leave?!" she said, a big tear rolling down her cheek.  "Oh my dog!  How cool!  I can make myself cry!" 

"I'm sure you'd be a wonderful person to hang out with…under DIFFERENT circumstances!" 

"Well, don't fall in love with me," she said, seriously.

"What?!" 

"I am extremely sexy and funny.  It's hard to resist me," she replied, shrugging. 

"And you're very modest," said Harry, rolling his eyes. 

"Okay!  No more compliments.  We need to get down to business," she said, rolling up her sleeves. 

"You were talking about your quest."

"I left for a moment to see what Dean looks like."

"That was your quest?!"

"No!  I was answering your question about why I left!" 

"When did I ask that?!" 

"Way early.  I just kind of…forgot about it.  But that's why I left for a moment.  I didn't know what Dean really looked like.  I thought he'd be rather dashing, though." 

"Was he?" asked Harry, interested.

"Yah.  He was rather hott." 

"Do you think…I'm hott?" 

"Mmm…if you'd get groovy nerd glasses like mine, and wore a kilt, you'd be on your way to hott-ness.  But that's not the point!!!  I get sidetracked so easily.  We need to discuss my quest!"

"Well?!  What is it then?!" asked Harry, growing impatient. 

"To hook you and Gin up.  Oh, and Ron and Hermione, but that really doesn't concern you, now does it?" 

"ME AND GIN?!" exclaimed Harry.  "RON AND HERMIONE?!" 

"Yep.  You all are destined for each other.  Well, you and Gin.  Then Ron and Hermione.  You four aren't destined for each other.  Then you would be right on your way to an orgy, and you guys aren't orgy material.  Sorry."  Harry stared at her, blank-faced. 

"I know I'm exotically beautiful, but no staring!" 

"That's not why I'm staring," mumbled Harry.

"That's what they all say," replied Claire.  "So, first I need to give you some lessons on how to get Ginny…"

"What if I don't want Ginny?" Claire just laughed.

"You, not wanting Ginny…that's funny!" 

"Why is it so funny?!  I am supposed to like Cho!"

"Come on, m'dear, in all your wildest fantasies, does the girl have red hair, or black hair?"

"Red…" admitted Harry, sheepishly.

"Does she have freckles?"

"Yes…"

"Is she a year younger?"

"Yes…"

"What ethnicity is she?"

"Okay, okay!!!  You win!" 

Claire smirked.  "Of course I win, silly!"

"You don't have to be so smug about it," Harry complained. 

"BACK TO MY QUEST!" Claire yelled, making Harry jump.

"Please…don't do that again," said Harry, shaking. 

"Fine.  I just wanted your attention, since you wander so easily."  Harry didn't understand, but he let it go. 

"Back to Ginny?" he quietly asked.

"Okies.  So, you and Gin.  My homework assignment for you is to think of a really romantic way to ask her out.  I will report back to you at the same time, the same place."

"Homework!" Harry groaned.

"Awww, poor wittle Harry has to do some work!"  Harry ignored her taunts.

"Do we really have to meet in my bed again?" 

"Yes.  It's comfy and warm.  Plus, you're cute in your boxers!" Claire giggled, then _POOF! _She was gone.  Harry stared at the curtains surrounding his bed for a moment, then fell back on his pillows and went to bed. 


	2. A Mysterious Guest in Harry's Mind

_A/N: Here is the next chapter!  I have the third one written, so if ya'll give me reviews I will post!!! *evil laughter*_

_The Flying Moose: Thanks, Allie.  Sorry aboot not letting you beta.  And I will work on your baby…eventually…*sheepish grin*_

_i-am-addy__: Yep, Harry and Ginny kick all fluff-butt.  Here's the next chapter for you!  Enjoy!_

_MyOwnLittleWorld__: Thank you for adding me to your author alerts.  I am very honored.  Here's the next chapter.  _

Chapter 2

A Mysterious Guest in Harry's Mind

            Harry woke up, feeling cheerful.  Then, when he remembered his guest last night and his homework assignment and suddenly he didn't feel so cheery.  He rolled out of bed and threw on his robes.  He walked over to Ron's bed and threw open the curtains.  

"Wake up, or you'll be late for breakfast!" said Harry.  Once Ron heard the word 'breakfast' he opened his eyes.  

"Breakfast?" he asked, hopefully.

"Yep.  All ready and waiting for you in the Great Hall," Harry replied, grabbing some books for his classes.  

"I have to get up?" whined Ron.

"Yes, you great lummock, I am not bringing you breakfast in bed!"  Harry walked out the dormitory and down the stairs.  

"Hello, Harry!" said Hermione once she spotted him in the common room.

"Hi," said Harry.  

"Where's Ron?"  

"He's coming," replied Harry.  

"I'm going to wait for him…you go on ahead," said Hermione, plopping down on a couch.  Harry raised one eyebrow. 

"Oookay…see you in the Great Hall…" He left.  Once in the Great Hall, he sat down at his usual place at the Gryffindor table.  

"Can I sit here?" asked a familiar voice.  It was Ginny.  

Harry immediately blushed and said, "Sure." 

"What's the matter?" asked Ginny, once she had sat down beside him.  "You look flushed." 

"Err…I ran here from the common room," replied Harry, blushing even more. 

"Why did you do that?" asked Ginny, reaching for some toast.  

"To…see if I could beat my old time!"  Stupid Harry! 

"Oh…I understand now."  Harry suddenly felt a strong hatred for Claire.  

_Hey now, you cannae hate me! _said a strange voice in Harry's head.  

_Claire?!  How did you get into my thoughts?!  _answered Harry, mentally.

_I am one talented muggle.  Anyway, say something flirty to Ginny.  _

_Like what?_

_Comment on how pretty she looks this morning._

_NO!!!_

_Yep.  Too bad, you're doing it.  Now, I have to leave.  I've got to go plant some romantic thoughts in Ron's head aboot Hermione.  Tootles!  _

"Hey, Gin…" Harry trailed off, trying to work up courage. 

"What?"  Ginny looked at him with those big, beautiful brown eyes. 

"You-look-really-pretty-this-morning," he blurted out.  Ginny blushed.  One point for Harry!  

"Thanks," replied Ginny.  She concentrated on her food, and Harry followed her example.  In about ten minutes, Ron and Hermione wandered over and sat across from them.  Harry watched them, looking for clues of their feelings for each other.  He started picking up on a lot of subtle clues.  Like when Ron accidentally brushed Hermione's arm while reaching for some food, they both flushed a little and apologized awkwardly.  

_Hmm… _thought Harry.  The rest of the day whizzed by.  He kept picking up hints about Ron and Hermione.  Every time he cursed Claire for putting these thoughts into his head.  Then, finally, it was bedtime.  Harry was not looking forward to midnight.  He fell asleep nonetheless.  

"Wakey, wakey!"  Harry awoke, only to see Claire's face about an inch from his.  Luckily, her breath smelled like strawberries, Harry's favorite fruit.  "Want a strawberry?" Claire asked.  Whether he wanted one or not, she stuffed one between his lips.  "They are your favorite!"

"How do you know?!" asked Harry.  Claire was really scaring him now.   

"Okies, this is the last time I'm going to tell you, I am a very talented muggle.  Basically anything is possible with me.  Now, no more redundant questions.  Did you think up a romantic plan for Gin?" 

_Shoot!  _thought Harry.  _I completely forgot!  Got to make something up!  Crap!  _"Err…" said Harry.  

"Yees?" urged Claire.  

"Well, I thought that we could…umm…you know…have a cuddle…on the…couch?"  Claire glared at him. 

"YOU DIDN'T FINISH YOUR HOMEWORK ASSIGNMENT!" she roared, pinning his shoulders to his bed. 

"No!" Harry yelped. 

"Okay!" said Claire, releasing her grip on his shoulders.  "It's fine, your idea would have sucked anyway."

"Hey!" said Harry, defensively.  

"Oh, don't even give me that," said Claire, rolling her eyes.  "But, this is the last time I will tolerate it.  Understand?"

"Okay…" Harry sighed.  

"Good.  I'm glad we've reached an understanding." She glanced at her watch.  "Okay, I don't have much time.  I have to go to Ron's bed soon and plant romantic dreams aboot Hermione in his head.  Anyway, here is a list of Ginny's likes and dislikes.  I want you to finish your assignment this time, okay?  Oh, and since you are completely un-romantic…here."  She handed him a book labeled 'The Dummies Guide to Romance.'  "Read it and devise a plan."

"Fine!" Harry felt like screaming.  

"Okay, I'm overdue in Ron's bed." She giggled.  "I just realized how much sexual innuendo is in that sentence."  Harry groaned.  "Oh, please!" scolded Claire.  _BOING! _ and she had disappeared.  Harry looked at the thick book in his hands and ran his hand through his hair.  Then, he remembered the list.  With extreme curiosity, he unfolded it and read.

_Ginny's Likes: _

_*Guys with good clothing taste [wear something styly on your first date]_

_*Chocolate Frogs [bring chocolate and flowers]_

_*Long, hot bubble baths [not until you guys are married]_

_*Romantic Novels [be like the men in those novels]_

_*Flirty (to some extent) boys [FLIRT!]_

_*Socks (especially stealing them) [Dunno what you're going to do w/ that one]_

_*Feet [Foot massages?  I dunno, that's kind of weird…]_

_Ginny's Dislikes:_

_*Angst [steer away from topics like Lord Voldemort, Chamber of Secrets and death…don't know why you'd talk aboot that on your first date, but you never know]_

_*Chickens [never bring chickens on a date.  That is a general rule.  See Chapter 5 of 'Dummies Guide to Romance']_

_*Homework [Help her with it!!!  How cute would that be?]_

_*Clowns [don't take her to a circus]_

Harry sighed.  That didn't really help him much…hopefully the book would be more informative.  He was too tired to read it now, though.  He lay back in bed and fell asleep quickly.  

_A/N: For everyone who is reading this story and NOT reviewing, please do so now.  _


	3. Graphic Thoughts

_A/N: I was re-reading my fanfic, and I realized that, in chapter one, when Claire asks Harry if his fantasy girl has slanted eyes, this remark could be construed as racist towards Asians.  I assure you, I was not making any jest or trying to be racist.  I will fix it as soon as I have time.  _

_More reviews=More chapters!!!_

Chapter 3

Graphic Thoughts

            "Harry, can I talk to you?" asked Ron, motioning Harry to come over to the table where he was studying.  

"Sure," said Harry, moving his books, parchment and quill to Ron's table.  "Need help with your homework?"  

"No," Ron turned bright red.  "I'm having some girl issues."  Harry wasn't surprised.  

"Spill, mate," replied Harry, trying to sound helpful even though he would rather be at a midnight meeting with Claire than here, talking to Ron about girls. 

"Y'know Hermione?" 

"Yah," answered Harry.  

"I've been having these weird thoughts about her.  It kind of came on suddenly, but they've been rather intense."

Harry grimaced before he asked the obvious question, "What kind of thoughts?" Ron blushed.  

"You know what I mean.  I'd rather not get…err…graphic."  It didn't seem possible, but Ron's face was an even darker shade of red.  Harry watched his face in amazement.

"What other colors can you do?" Harry asked before thinking. 

"What?"

"Um…never mind," Harry laughed it off.  "So, what do you want to do about this Hermione thing?"

"Well, I don't know if it's hormones, or I really like her…and I don't know if I want to find out." 

"Well…"

_Advise him to ask her out! _Claire's voice was in his head again.

_You were the one who put those thoughts in his head!  It's not true love!  _replied Harry.  

_Oh, believe you me, I only needed to nudge him in the right direction.  He is one creative guy.  _

_Too.__  Much. Information. _

_Sorry.  But he really loves her.  Come on, Harry, my favorite person ever, puhlease?!  _

_Fine!  But if it doesn't work out, you are to blame.  _

_It'll work out.  Have some faith.  Lots of lurrve!  _

"I think that you should ask her out.  I mean, what's the worse that could happen?"  

"Well, she could refuse me.  It could ruin our friendship.  She could be so disturbed that she would shoot random people—"

Harry cut him off.  "Don't be pessimistic!  From what I've seen, she really digs you.  At least enough to go out with you."

"Really?" Ron's eyes gleamed.  

"Err…yah," said Harry, losing his confidence.  

"Okay.  I'll think about it."  

"All right.  But, back to our homework…" Suddenly, Harry was reminded of the homework from Claire.  Judging on how spontaneous and…weird she was, he wouldn't escape alive if he didn't think of something.  "Actually, I'm really tired.  Can I get the homework from you tomorrow?"  

"You mean copy?" Harry winced at that word.

"I was trying to steer clear of using 'copy' but if you want to get technical, yes."  

"Why would you copy off my homework?  Copy off Hermione!"

"I was thinking you could go do your homework with her…" Harry trailed off, meaningfully.  

"Oh…right…good plan!"  Harry nodded. 

"Go for it!" Harry picked up his books and went into his dorm.  Sitting on his bed, he tried to think of ways to ask Ginny out.  Then, he heard a ringing in his head, like the sound a muggle telephone makes.  "Um…whose there?" asked Harry, feeling stupid.  

_It's Claire!  _said a loud voice.  

_Oh, hi.  What was up with the telephone ring?_

_I thought it was a nice touch.  Listen, I've been thinking…_

_Wow, that's the first. _

_WHAT DID YOU SAY?_

_Oh, crap, you can hear my thought, can't you?  Whoops…_

_I'll ignore your hurtful remark for now, but I will be avenged.  Anyway, I've decided that it would be best if you…held off on the proposal. _

_Proposal?!_

_The going out proposal to Ginny!  _

_Oh…you had me worried there.  Why do you want me to hold off?_

_Well, I don't want to rush love and—_

_Hey, why don't you just apparate into the room, so that our speech doesn't have to be in italics anymore?  _

_Good idea!  Here I come!!!_

_KACHING!  _

"Hi Claire…again," said Harry, relieved to speak out loud. 

"HARRY!" Claire enveloped him in a huge hug.

"Ow…you're…hurting…me," yelped Harry, trying to pull away. 

"Sorry, babe.  No harm meant," replied Claire, loosening her grip and plopping down on Harry's bed beside him.  

"So what's all this about not wanting to rush love?  Since when did you mind?"  Claire hit him with a pillow.  

"Well, since you cannae take control of your love life, you've left the whole Harry/Ginny spark dead on the side of the road!  So, you need to cozy up to her first.  I'm not going to help you as much anymore," said Claire, being more serious than Harry had ever seen her. 

"Why aren't you going to help me?"

"Harry, Ginny is going to love you.  In fact, she probably does right now.  So that means you just have to be yourself.  Just…read the book I gave you, and add your own little touches to their suggestions.  You'll rock her socks off, babe."  Claire hugged him in a completely friendly way.  

"So, you aren't going to talk to me anymore?" asked Harry, surprisingly sad about losing Claire's company. 

"As if!" exclaimed Claire, immediately giggling, "I sounded like I was straight from Clueless!" She shook her head, "Sorry, muggle thing."  

"Can't you give me any hints about Ginny?"  asked Harry, steering the conversation back to his love life…or lack thereof.  

"I already gave you that list and the book.  You need to do some studying tonight, okay?  Well, have fun."  And Claire apparated.  All that was left was a faint smell of lavender and a man singing something about Roxanne.  Harry groaned.  The book Claire had left him was thicker than most books he had to study for classes!  Reluctantly he picked it up.  

_Chapter One: Infatuation or True Love?_

_Sure, you may think you are in love with that hott girl that works at the drugstore.  But what if it's just because she wears her skirts so short you can see what she had for breakfast?  You will never find out unless you try.  Of course, if she won't go on a date with you, you don't have to worry about!  But at least give it a shot.  When you take her on the date, you may realize you have no respect for her opinions.  This is one of the first warning signs of infatuation.  Beware.  _

Harry looked to see how many pages the first chapter spanned, and immediately gave up the idea of ever reading the whole thing.  He really loved Ginny.  At least, Claire thought so, and that was good enough for him.  He looked at the Table of Contents, trying to save time.

_Table of Contents_

_Chapter One: Infatuation or True Love?  _

_Chapter Two: Asking Her Out_

_Chapter Three:  What, When and Where_

_Chapter Four: What the hell do I wear?_

_Chapter Five: General Rules of Dating _

_Chapter Six: Did she like me?  _

_Chapter Seven: The Phone Call_

_Chapter Eight: Meeting The Parents_

_Chapter Nine: Presents_

_Chapter Ten: Long-Term Relationship?  _

Harry was definitely going to need this book.  He wasn't looking forward to reading it, though.  Then, he remembered other homework he had to do, and sighed.  Grabbing the book, and his other class work, he walked down to the common room and took a seat next to Hermione.  Other than a few stragglers, he and Hermione were the only ones in the common room.

"No, you cannot copy my Potions homework, Ron," said Hermione, without looking up.  

"Ah, I'll relay that message to Ron, then," replied Harry, grinning.  

"Oh!  Harry!"  She shifted her books to allow room for him.  "Wait…you can't copy my Potions homework either, you know."  

"I wasn't going to ask that!" said Harry, trying to look hurt but failing miserably.  "I was just going to do my homework."

"What do you have to do?" inquired Hermione. 

"Umm…Potions and finishing that history essay…yes I know it's due tomorrow," he said in response to Hermione's disapproving look. 

"And he assigned it to us a week ago…"  

"Yah…that too…" Harry looked a little guilty.  He could never keep up with Hermione's high standards.  Hermione turned her head and examined the spines of his books.  He didn't realize what book he had in that stack until too late. 

"The Dummies Guide to Romance?!" read Hermione, bewildered.  

"Oh, bollocks," replied Harry.  He was going to have a lot of explaining to do…

_A/N: Okies, look down.  No, not that far down, just to the bottom of the screen.  See that little button that will let you send me a review?  Well, watch this watch.  *swings it back and forth*  On the count of three, I will snap my fingers, and you will click that button and write me a review.  One…two…three! *snaps fingers*_


	4. Weasley Tempers

A/N: blushes Dare I show my face? Sorry aboot the delay...and you may hurt me more because this one is the shortest chapter to date, but I figured ya'll would like an update...soooooo, I made it kind of short! Please love it!!!  
  
Krishnaa: I am dedicating the next chapter to Pip. May he live long and prosper. puts up the Star Trek hand thing I lurve you, Krish!!! Keep rockin' on!  
  
MyOwnLittleWorld: I love you. Love you, love you, love you. Okay, before you put a restraining order on me...it is completely platonic, and I swear I won't stalk you. Maybe. wink  
  
the green moose: YAY!!! NEW REVIEWER!!! glomps on you How are you? Do you love it? Do you hate it? Tell everyone aboot my story, please! Don't ever leave! chains you to the computer  
  
Chapter Four  
Weasley Tempers  
  
"How could I have been so blind?!" squealed Hermione after Harry related everything, other than Claire, to her. "You and Ginny! What a pair!  
  
"You CANNOT tell Ron," replied Harry, grasping her arm tightly. "DO NOT tell Ron!"  
  
"I may not have been able to see your love for Ginny, but I am definitely smart enough not to tell Ron. He would give you a black eye! Not to mention Fred and George..."  
  
"Thanks Hermione," said Harry, groaning at the thought of the entire Weasley family turning against him.  
  
"And Mrs. Weasley!" continued Hermione, "One time, Ron flew a bludger through the window and it was not pretty. I don't think I've seen anyone get that mad, and it just took her a flick of her wand to fix it!"  
  
"Hermione!" yelped Harry, resting his head on his hands. "Don't remind me!"  
  
Hermione finally realized what she was saying. "Oh, sorry, I suppose that wasn't very comforting."  
  
"No, it wasn't!"  
  
"Well, I'm sorry, it's just hard not to talk about it. I mean, Weasley tempers are the worst and—"  
  
"YOU'RE DOING IT AGAIN!" yelled Harry, which caused the few younger stragglers quickly evacuate the common room, fearing the wrath of the Boy- Who-Lived. After a moment of Harry fuming and Hermione staring off into space, one of them finally said something.  
  
"So, what are you going to do about it?" asked Hermione. Harry thought for a moment.  
  
"Whatever Clai—err, my conscious tells me!"  
  
"Your conscious' name is Clai?" asked Hermione, sensing he was trying to hide something.  
  
"Well, actually it's Claire, but I didn't want to tell you 'cos it's kind of embarrassing that I named my conscious..." said Harry, trying to conjure a blush.  
  
"Oh..." replied Hermione, unconvinced.  
  
"Well, I got to go," said Harry.  
  
"Where?"  
  
"I'm just going up to my dorm to...think," he replied, walking up the stairs.  
  
CLAAAAIRE! I NEED YOU! he thought as fiercely as he could. He thought he could hear the sound of faint giggles, but she didn't reply. Come on, Claire, please? I really, really, really need your help! he thought again. He heard squealing a little bit louder than the giggles. Pretty, pretty, pretty please? I'll give you candy!!!  
  
"FINE!" a fake exasperated voice yelled. He turned around and saw Claire.  
  
"I don't think I've ever been so happy to see you," replied Harry.  
  
"I'm not supposed to help you anymore, dum-dum! I told you to think of stuff by yourself!"  
  
"I know but...I'd really, really like your help. I want this to be perfect for Ginny, and I just don't have the womanly intuition you have!"  
  
"Well I should hope not!" replied Claire, smiling warmly. "Fine, I'll help, but only a little bit, understand? I can't be here for you forever!"  
  
"Why not?" asked Harry. Claire laughed.  
  
"Because, silly, Ginny needs to love you for you, not for the wonderful ideas I come up with!" Claire rolled her eyes. "Can you imagine what it'd be like if I was always there telling you what to say to her or what to do? You'd be like a Claire controlled robot!" Harry looked at her, confused. "Anyway, back to the first date!"  
  
"Well, I got to ask her first, don't I?"  
  
"Oh, no, you got to think of the asking thing by yourself, but I'll help you on your first date plans." Harry looked disappointed and kind of scared.  
  
"Okay, first, let me see your brainstorming list."  
  
"What?"  
  
"Your brainstorming list!"  
  
"Oh, you mean the brainstorming list? The one I left out on the Quidditch field?"  
  
"Nice try, m'boy. You didn't make one."  
  
"No...I didn't."  
  
"Sometimes, Harry, I wonder what you'd do without me," replied Claire, shaking her head. Flicking her finger like Harry would a wand, parchment and a quill appeared and rested on thin air. She poised the quill above the parchment and looked expectantly at Harry.  
  
"What?!" asked Harry.  
  
"I need some ideas!"  
  
"Can't you just write it for me?" whined Harry.  
  
"You are so amazingly lazy, my friend!" said Claire, amazed. "I mean, I thought I was lazy but...sheesh!" Harry thought it was the first time in his life that anyone had called him lazy.  
  
"I am not lazy!" he exclaimed, grabbing the paper from Claire's hand. He scribbled on the parchment as Claire waited. "There!" he said, triumphantly waving the parchment at Claire. "I am not lazy, see!" Claire looked at the brainstorming list skeptically. Her eyebrows raised as she read some of his ideas.  
  
"Harry, I think you're getting the hang of this romantic thing. These are pretty good ideas! But before we can launch into full operation, we have to prepare Ginny with some major flirting. I have noticed that you are really bad at flirting, so we're going to have to practice hard. We're starting today...is that okay with you?"  
  
"We have to break in an hour—I have Quidditch practice."  
  
"Okay. That should be plenty of time. All right, this is going to be rather awkward, but...I'm going to pretend that I'm Ginny and you'll just be yourself. Is that all right or completely revolting?" Harry just looked at Claire for a moment.  
  
"For the sake of practicing...I think I can handle it." Claire nodded.  
  
"All right...let the flirtation classes begin!!!"  
  
A/N: I bet you'll never guess what I'm going to ask you. grins frowns Fine...guess it. huffs off NOW DO IT!!! (for all of you who don't know the one dream of every writer is...lemme give you a hint. coughreviewscough. Now scurry along and do it!!!) 


	5. Flirtation Classes

_A/N: I didn't like this chapter very much, I thought I kind of forced/hurried it, but I figured you guys would forgive me for it's crappyness, just because I updated twice in one day!!!  (wait…mebbe it was two…can't remember)  Oh, and I'd like to apologize for my last chapter, it took out some of my astricks in my A/N and the format was weird.  I swear I didn't do anything…I'll try to fix it later. _

_MovieFan757:  Thank you tons for reviewing!!!  I really like new reviewers, and yours rocked!!!  Please, keep following my story and reviewing (my story, preferably.)  Oh, yah, and thanks for the cookie! munches on it happily_

_Oh, and true to my word, this chapter is dedicated to Pip-pip.  You don't know me, but I know you!!!  (Wow, that is like, a famous line of stalkers…I swear I don't stalk!!!  Krishnaa will testify for me!) _

Chapter Five

Flirtation Classes

      Harry and Claire sat in silence for a moment.  Harry scratched his forehead, and Claire squirmed.

"Um…so…when are we starting?" asked Harry.

"Oh, right!" said Claire.  "Here, hold on a minute, I've got to go make myself look more like Ginny.  Be back in a few!"  Harry rolled his eyes.  Knowing girls and makeup (which he didn't really know, at all, but only what he was guessing) it would take Claire more than a few minutes, especially since she looked completely different than Ginny in the first place.  He figured this would be a good time to catch up on his reading, which he had sorely neglected.  Picking up "The Dummies Guide to Romance", he leaned back on his bed and began reading. 

"Ron?" he heard a familiar voice call.  "Ron, are you there?" 

_Holy knickers.__  It's Ginny.  CLAAAAAIIIIRREEE!!! _ he yelled in his head.  There was no response—not even giggling. 

"RON!!!" Ginny yelled.  Harry figured he probably should go to the common room and talk to her.  He breathed deeply for a few minutes, until Ginny's caterwauling became unbearable. 

"He's not here, Ginny!" said Harry, once he could see her in the common room.

"Oh…" replied Ginny, blushing.  Harry walked down the stairs and approached her, cautiously. 

"What did you need him for?" asked Harry. 

"I needed to borrow Pigwidgeon, and he had him last."

"Ah," said Harry, settling down in one of the easy chairs.  "And what did you need to borrow Pig for?"

"I needed to owl someone." 

"And who did you need to owl?" asked Harry, leaning in.

"One of my friends." 

"Which one of your friends?"

"One that goes to a different school."

"What school?"

"Beauxbatons." 

"What is her name?"

"_His_ name is Mark."

"Mark?!" 

"Mark."

"Who is this Mark fellow?"

"Jesus, Mary and Joseph!" said Ginny, in a voice that was not her own. 

"Claire?!" whimpered Harry, astonished.  Suddenly, Ginny's hair color changed, and she became taller.  Her feet got bigger and glasses popped on her nose.

"What was that, Harry?  Twenty questions?"  Claire asked.  Harry was speechless from seeing his true love turn into Claire. 

"Wha?  Wha?  How…why…wha?"  blubbered Harry. 

"You are a hopeless case, you know that?  What sort of crazy conversation was that?  You had Ginny alone in the common room, and all you could talk aboot was who she was writing." 

"Does she really know someone named Mark?" asked Harry, recovering from the original shock. 

"You'll have to figure that one out on your own, buddy," said Claire, grinning evilly.  Harry just glared at Claire.  "We definitely need to work on your flirting, though.  Want some tips from the master of romance?"

"Yes, oh humble one," replied Harry, leaning back in his chair.  Claire grinned and flopped down on the couch. 

"First off, there is no need to be a talk show host.  No twenty questions."  Harry nodded and blushed.  "If she has another guy, just act cool aboot it.  She doesn't want a flaming ball of jealously!  She wants a sensitive, caring friend.  Guys always get that wrong."  Harry rose from his seat, defensively.  Claire just gave him a look, and he shrugged and sat back down.  "Now, first off, we'll start with body language, 'cos that's my favorite!!!  All right, if you're standing next to her, make sure to brush against her!!!  Take every chance to touch her, but don't be weird and clingy.  Just, small touches.  Like so," said Claire, standing up and indicating for Harry to do as well.  Harry did, rather reluctantly, and stood next to her.  "Okay, now, let's say you are talking to me, and I comment on something out the window," Claire pointed to an imaginary open window.  "Look, Harry, a bird," she said, very mechanically. 

"Could you please be a little more natural?!" asked Harry, smiling.  Claire grinned at him. 

"Sorry, I was having a bit of fun.  I'll try again," she cleared her throat, "Look, Harry!!!  A bird!"  Harry leaned over to look out the 'window' and brushed her arm with his.  "Good job, Harry!  That was perfect.  Now, you can do these sly touches, or you can be blatantly obvious…sort of an obvious, wicked type of flirting.  I think Gin'll like this kind better.  For example, if you're talking aboot something, just put your arm around her and grin.  Or, if she's sitting down on the couch, come up and plop down really close to her.  Make sure you always accompany them with a grin, a wink, or a laugh, unless you are being really serious.  But that will only happen after a few dates.  Got that all?"  Harry nodded.  Claire continued with her lesson until something interrupted their lesson. 

"OKAY, HARRY, YOU BIG LUMMOCK, GET OUT TO QUIDDITCH PRACTICE!  I DON'T CARE WHAT YOUR EXCUSE IS, YOU'RE GOING!  DON'T EVEN TRY THAT ONE WITH ME!"  Harry blushed.

"It's my watch," he explained to Claire.  Claire nodded. 

"Well, I guess that's it for our lesson, eh?"

"Yep, I got to go…the next round of yelling is the worse." 

"Okay, buhbye!"  Claire enveloped him in a huge bear hug and kissed him loudly on the cheek.  Harry blushed deeply.  "You blush really easy," giggled Claire.  Harry blushed again.  "Ooo, Harry, d'you think I could borrow your Invisibility Cloak?  I'd really like to watch your practice."

"Sure," replied Harry, wondering why Claire didn't just use her endless powers to make herself invisible.

"I know, I know," said Claire, reading his thoughts, "I just always wanted to use the Invisibility Cloak."  Harry nodded.  "It's in your trunk, right?" Harry nodded again.  "_Accio__ Cloak!_" yelled Claire, waving her finger.  The cloak whizzed into her hand.  "Ooo, pretty!"  She put it on.  "Let's go!"

"HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRY!!!  WHAT DID I SAY?  GET YOUR UGLY SELF TO THE QUIDDITCH FIELD NOW!  I—" Suddenly the watch stopped. 

"It was bugging me," said an invisible Claire. 

"Thanks," replied Harry, "it was bugging me too."  Harry walked down to the Quidditch field and mounted his broom.  He saw just a hand wave at him from the stands, and he figured it was Claire.  He nodded back, zooming around the sky on his Firebolt.  After two hours of intense training, they were finally let go.  Harry dropped to the ground quickly, dismounted his broom and set off for Hogwarts, completely forgetting Claire. 

"HARRY!" he heard a voice yell.  He couldn't see anyone but heard panting.  _Claire! _he realized.  "If you EVER make me run AGAIN, YOU are going DOWN, my friend," she said, once she had caught up with him.  "Think I'm safe?" Harry looked around and then nodded.  She slipped off the cloak.  "Whew!  That thing is hot!"  She turned to Harry and stared, mouth open. 

"What is it?" asked Harry, feeling his face.  "Is there something on it?"

"You look _really _sexy when you are all sweaty.  Harry…you're…HOTT!  Oh my holy pickles, I bet you have really nice muscles from Quidditch…umm, could you possibly lift your shirt up a little?"  Harry stared at her, eyes sticking out.  Claire sighed and then jerked her finger up.  Harry's shirt magically lifted up, and Claire almost fainted.  "Ginny is one lucky girl, that's all I've got to say.  You definitely need to walk around with your shirt off more.  Whew!"  Claire stared at him for a moment (which made Harry very, very uncomfortable) until she finally yelled out, "HARRY, I HAVE A BRILLIANT IDEA!"  She did a little victory dance while Harry looked at her, completely lost.  "I cannae wait to put this one into action!!!" 

"What is it?!" asked Harry, extremely interested. 

"Well, let's just hope Ginny likes muscles…" said Claire.  "Wait, what am I thinking?  Of course she likes muscles!"  Claire shook her head. 

"Are you ever going to tell me what it is?" Harry asked once more. 

"Mmm…maybe…man, it rocks, though, if I do say so myself…"

"It's not going to humiliate me, is it?"

"With that stomach?  Never."  Harry was still very confused, but he knew Claire well enough now to know that she was too wrapped up in her thoughts to actually tell him what her plan was.  He'd just have to wait, or maybe he'd pick up some clues.

"We probably should head back to Hogwarts," said Harry.  "What time d'you have to go…er…home?"

"Oh, no specific time, I have no life, so it's not like it matters." 

"I'm sorry…" said Harry, not really knowing what to say.

"Nah, 'tis fine, I'd much rather be hanging out with you, that's for sure." 

"Thanks," said Harry, feeling a thank you was in order.

"Okay, never mind, I lied…I'd actually prolly much rather be out on a date with Oliver Wood," Claire said, gazing off into the distance.  She wasn't paying any attention to their conversation. 

"What?!" exclaimed Harry.  _Oliver Wood?! _he thought. 

"Mmmhmm," Claire replied.  They began walking towards Hogwarts. 

"Hey, Claire, I just got an abortion," said Harry, testing out his theory.

"That's good," she replied.  Harry smiled and waited a moment.  "WHAT?!" she replied.

"I knew you weren't paying attention…"  Claire laughed. 

"Okay, I might as well tell you now.  I've got it all figured out…I think," said Claire as they reached a bench close to Hogwarts.  They sat down and Harry leaned in close.  Claire whispered eagerly in his ear. 

"NEVER!" yelled Harry after she was finished. 

"Come on, Harry, it'll be great, I promise."  Claire's eyes were pleading. 

"Fine.  But if it doesn't work…" he trailed off, trying to threaten her. 

"It'll work, don't you worry!"  As they walked up to the common room, Harry wondered just what it was he had gotten himself into. 

_A/N: Review, and I'll give you a cookie!  waves aboot the half eaten one that MovieFan747 gave me  _


	6. Scintillating Six Pack

_A/N: I would like to apologize for being so late in getting this updated. I've had it written for awhile, but I wrote it on my typewriter and then my beta typed it up for me (Thank you, Allie!) and corrected it, then I had to add her corrections. Also, I added two of my friends and so some of my jokes won't be as funny for the reviewers. I'm sorry, but I wanted to thank them for all their hard work (you two know who you are) in helping me with my fanfic and so much more. Also, Allie (or TheFlyingMoose) who was my beta for this chapter, told me this one was a lot more formal than my others. My excuse for that is the fact that I was writing this on a typewriter (I guess that would technically be typing) and my only light was the soft glow of a kerosene lamp. So, no wonder I was formal! :-P Hope you all like this chapter, and that you think it was worth your wait. _

Chapter Six

"Scintillating Six-Pack"

Harry had taken Claire's advice to take a shower. Well, the fact that Claire had locked him in the bathroom and wouldn't quit singing "Jingle Bells" until she heard the sound of running water had kind of 'helped' Harry along. Now Claire was somewhere in the castle, coaxing Ginny to come upstairs in what she assured Harry would be done in a 'sly and inconspicuous manner.' Harry didn't want to think about what she was doing. He didn't really want to think about what _he_ was doing.

Harry was wrong about Claire's whereabouts. She had actually popped back to her house to call upon the assistance her friend, Tara. It didn't take much to convince Tara to go back to Hogwarts with Claire. When they were back at Hogwarts they immediately went to the Room of Requirement. For their purposes, it was equipped with two pieces of parchment, two magical quills and two Hogwarts uniforms.

"All right, Tara, step one: write letters. These magic quills that the Room of Requirement thought of are rather brilliant...as far as I can tell, they mimic the handwriting you're thinking of. In this case, we need to imitate Ron and Hermione's handwriting."

"What for?" Tara asked, still a little astounded by the fact that she was standing in Hogwarts.

"To ensure that they won't be anywhere near the Great Hall, for a reason I'll tell you later. " They started working on the letters.

"Ron has horrible handwriting," said Tara, squinting at the parchment. "It's a weird thing not to be able to read what you are writing." Claire didn't have the same problem--Hermione's handwriting was straight and perfect.

_Mione--_ _Meet me in the Astronomy Tower in fifteen minutes. –Ron_

_Dear Ron, __Meet me at the Astronomy Tower in fifteen minutes. __Sincerely, __Hermione Granger_

"That sounds exactly like them," giggled Claire. "Nice work!" She high-fived

Tara and missed. "Okay, Tara, your task, should you chose to accept, is to sneak into the owlery and steal two owls. Ron is at Quidditch practice, and according to Harry, Hermione is doing her homework in the library, of course."

"Claire, I'm not James Bond... how am I supposed to sneak to the owlery undetected?"

"Accio Invisibility Cloak!" said Claire, waving her finger around in the air.

"You're going to poke someone's eye out!" yelped Tara as it narrowly missed her head. She had to duck once more as the Invisibility Cloak whooshed through the door.

"Now off you go!" said Claire. Tara saluted and attempted to click her heels together, failed miserably and quickly walked out of the room.

"Don't forget to put it on!" Claire called to Tara's retreating back.

"Shut up!" yelled Tara, hastily throwing it over her body. Claire laughed.

"And while Tara is doing that, I'll just pop by and see how Harry is coming along." _ZAP!!!_

Harry could hear a faint _ZOING!_ come from outside of the bathroom where he was still taking a shower.

"Harry, can I come in?" he heard Claire yell.

"I'm flattered that you asked my permission," replied Harry.

"Oh, sod off!" replied Claire. Harry heard the door open and Claire come in.

"Jeez, It's steamy in here..." she complained.

"Well," replied Harry, "since I was forced to take a shower I figured I might as well enjoy myself."

"Yeah, well, I just wanted to pop by and see how you were doing. Now, do you remember all the points we discussed?" Harry inwardly groaned. The night before, Claire had drilled him on what to say, the appropriate amount of embarrassment he was to show and how to wear his towel most sexily. She had also tried to convince him to wear eyeliner, but he had firmly put his foot down. Everyone had his or her limit.

"Are you sure you don't want the eyeliner? It worked wonders for Johnny Depp," Claire continued.

"Claire, we went over this!" Harry replied, impatiently.

"Fine...your loss though. So, do you remember everything?"

"Yes, Claire," Harry said, mechanically.

"Good. If you screw up, don't come to me for pity."

"Your confidence in me is overwhelming."

"Then again, if all goes well, the credit goes to me." Harry rolled his eyes. "I saw that!"

"Hey, Claire, when can I get out of the shower?"

"When I alert you. Remember, tousled hair, pink cheeks, entire chest showing and saunter...like this!" Harry could hear some movement outside of the shower.

"Y'know, I can't see you."

"It's still fun to do!" she replied. "Well, good luck!" Harry heard a loud _ZIP!_ and she was gone.

_Finally, _Harry thought.

_Hey now! _said Claire, in his head.

_You're an all-star get your game on..._ a strange voice sang.

_Shut up, Allie!_ said Claire. Harry shook his head. Now there were two voices?

_Sorry, Harry, that was one of my friends. I kicked her out, though, don't worry. And now I'm going to leave. _

Claire popped back into the Room of Requirement only to find Tara there with some Hogwarts student.

"What do you think you're doing?" yelped Claire.

"Well, I was bored, and he looked like he needed a friend." 

"I don't think friend is the right word for it," replied Claire. "Send him on his way!" Tara gave Claire the evil eye, but said goodbye to him anyway.

"Jeez, I can't leave you alone for more than five minutes! Did you get the owls sent?" Tara nodded. "Good. Now we have to disguise ourselves as Hermione and Ron and get Ginny to walk up to the boy's dormitory."

"I get to be Hermione!" yelled Tara's soon as Claire was finished with the instructions.

"Oh, no you don't!"

"I'll hurt you!" Tara rose up a fist. Claire flinched. "Two for flinching!" exclaimed Tara as she gave Claire two punches on the arm.

"Hey, you better watch it," said Claire, "I'm fatter than you are. I could flatten you." Tara still wouldn't give up.

"Fine," said Claire, "besides, Ron gets to talk to Ginny, anyway." Tara frowned.

"Dangit!" she said.

"Anyway, we've got to hurry. Here, get into these robes and I'll get into mine." Suddenly, two dressing rooms appeared. They hurriedly changed and then Claire used her magical powers to transform them into Ron and Hermione. "Okay, now we must go down to the Great Hall." They thanked the room and left.

Ginny was strolling down the hallways. It was a weekend, and she didn't really have anything to do. All of her friends had dates somewhere...Ginny couldn't remember her last date. It was with Dean, but they had broken up ages ago. Suddenly, she had this great urge to go to the Great Hall. It was as if some unseen force was pulling her there. She followed willingly...she had nothing better to do. Finally, when she got to the Great Hall, the first people she noticed were Ron and Hermione. They were sitting at one of the tables leaning over books. It looked like they were studying, but noting the flush on both their faces and the fact that they were looking at each other more than the books; Ginny assumed no studying was actually being done. Suddenly, Ron looked Ginny's way. He said something to Hermione, then got up and walked towards her.

"Sis, can I ask you to do me a huge favour?" Ginny sighed. Claire, cleverly disguised as Ron, took that as a yes and continued on, "Up in my room there should be a book. It's red and it's a library book. In fact...I think it is lying on my bed. Could you go get it for me?" Ginny may have been bored, but not that bored.

"You go get it, lazy arse!" she said, turning to go out of the doors. Ron tugged on her arm and Ginny reluctantly turned around.

"Well...you see...me and Hermione are making a lot of progress on our...erm...reports and I don't really want to leave in the middle of it...it could...um...interrupt our...erm...creative process. Umm...yeah." Judging by the colour of Ron's face, Ginny could tell that he and Hermione were having a wonderful time. Ginny sighed once more. She was a sucker for romance.

"Fine, but you owe me big time." Ron looked at her with adoration.

"You know, you always were my favourite sister."

"I'm your only sister, Ron," but Ron had already rushed back to a glowing Hermione. Ginny left the room and headed towards the Gryffindor common room. Little did she know Claire and Tara were following right behind under Harry's invisibility cloak. Claire was updating Harry the whole way.

_All right, we've just passed the painting of a plum...she's climbed on the stairs...the stairs are moving...All right, they've led her to the Fat Lady...she's saying the password...get ready...oh, the Fat Lady is talking to her...wait for it...she's inside! Now she's headed for the stairs to the dormitory...get ready Harry, she's opening the door...NOW!_ Harry's mind was clear of Claire. That was part of the agreement...Claire couldn't watch or help Harry along via mind talk.

"I'm nervous for my little boy!" said Claire as she and Tara plopped on the couches.

"He'll do wonderfully," replied Tara, reaching for a book.

Harry made one last check in the mirror. Then, tensely, he stepped out of the bathroom. He forced himself to saunter nonchalantly, even though he was nervous. He walked towards Ron's bed...and then he saw her. Ginny Weasley, the love of his life. She looked up and gasped.

"Harry!?!?!" she exclaimed. Harry could see her eyes travel down to what Claire called his 'scintillating six pack.' Her blush heightened. "I'm so sorry, I should...have knocked," she continued, trying to keep her eyes away from Harry's bare chest.

"That's fine," Harry said in a laid back voice. _Is that _me_ talking? _thought Harry.

"Um, Ron wanted me to get him a book, and so I came up here to get it..."

"Is it this book?" Harry asked, turning around to pick it up off his bed. He handed it to Ginny.

"Umm, looks like it. Well, I...I...I'd b-better leave..."

"Hey, wait, Gin...are you doing anything today?"

_AHHH! He called me Gin!_ Ginny thought. "Umm...well, I have to get this book to Ron," Harry chuckled.

"No, I mean after that."

"Um...no...why?" she almost squeaked.

"D'you want to, I dunno, walk around the lake? Or you could ride my broomstick or something..." Ginny tried her hardest to ignore all the sexual innuendo in that simple sentence. She couldn't...her blush heightened even more.

"Um, well, err, sure, I would love to..." _Don't say it. Don't say it!_ "...Ride your broomstick." _SHE SAID IT!!!!!_

"Great," replied Harry. "I can't go out like this so, I'll meet you in the common room in fifteen minutes. Unless of course, you'd like to stay and watch." He winked at her.

"Er...n-no thanks. I'll just see you in the common room in f-fifteen minutes." Ginny hustled out of the dormitory. A second later, Claire and Tara popped into the room.

"How did it go?!" they both yelled in unison.

"Did you use my 'ride my broomstick' line?" asked Claire.

"Don't have time to talk right now, I'm meeting Ginny in fifteen minutes."

They both squealed and insisted on helping him with his outfit.

"You should have said to meet her in an hour! It would have given us more time to find your perfect outfit," said Tara, desperately looking through his trunks. Realizing he didn't have much of a selection, Claire transformed a black loose t-shirt of Harry's into a tight black turtleneck sweater. Meanwhile, Tara worked her magic on one of Harry's old jeans, making them flare out at the ends, where his feet donned black cons. She also changed the shape of the jeans so they would fit him more tightly. Claire didn't make him wear eyeliner (much to Harry's relief) and they left his hair alone. Finally he pulled away from them.

"I've got to go!" he exclaimed.

"Good luck, Harry!" said Claire, giving him a huge hug. She slyly sprayed some cologne on him before he could protest.

"Have fun, Harry!" said Tara. "If Ginny ever ditches you, I'm always available!"

"Don't listen to her, Harry. I'm your second choice, right?" Claire winked. Harry grinned and sauntered out of the room.

"Well, for now, I think our work here is done," said Claire, turning to Tara.

"Let's spy on them!" said Tara, not ready to leave Hogwarts yet.

"Why, that would be unethical. We'd be invading on Harry's privacy." Tara looked at Claire, amazed. "I was joking, dum-dum, of course we're going to spy on them!" She grabbed the invisibility cloak and followed Harry's tracks.

Ginny was sitting on an easy chair in the common room, staring into the flames and thinking about Harry. She had gone out with several boys just to try to convince herself, and others, that her childish crush on Harry was gone. And while her childish crush on Harry _was _gone, it had been replaced with something much greater. "Gin!" She looked up and saw Harry descending the stairs. Her jaw dropped. He was gorgeous. She didn't know how she was going to speak.

"Hi, Harry," she swallowed. Good, good, she managed to say two words without pausing or adding 'erm's. She could do this. She wasn't going to let some guy (even Harry Potter) make her all worked up. She wanted revenge on him for making her blush and stutter, so she added: "You're looking sexy." Harry blushed. _HA!_ Ginny thought. _Two can play at this game._

Harry was amazed. He was supposed to be cocky and flirty, not her! She looked sexy, too. She was wearing a purple v-neck sweater that clung in all the right places and dark jeans that showed off her lovely curves. Her red hair was swept back in a loose ponytail and wisps of hair framed her face. She had put a small amount of makeup on, Harry noticed, but she still looked pretty natural. He felt like he should comment on her appearance as well.

"You look gorgeous, too," he replied, grinning.

"Why thank you," she said coyly.

"Shall we?" asked Harry, offering an arm. Ginny almost giggled.

"We shall," she said, raking the offered arm. They strolled to the Quidditch pitch. It was overrun with students.

"On second thought, let's just take a walk," said Harry. Ginny silently curse all of the students. She was looking forward to being held by Harry as they flew in the sky. Still, seeing how things were going, she might be held by Harry before the evening was out, broom or no broom.

Tara and Claire were still following them. They were enjoying themselves very much.

"They are soooo cute," Claire whispered.

"I know," replied Tara.

"Mind you, Harry wouldn't be doing half as well without my tutelage."

"Claire?"

"What?"

"Shut up." She did, and they continued to listen to Harry and Ginny's conversation.

"Y'know," said Ginny, "I never did actually give Ron the book that he wanted."

"Don't worry about it," replied Harry.

"How long do you think it's going to take for Hermione and him to officially hook up?"

"Not long. Unless of course, Ron goes and blows it, like he usually does."

"I know, he's such a bonehead."

"A bonehead, eh?" asked Harry, laughing at Ginny's vocabulary.

"Yes, bonehead. And don't laugh at my vocabulary, Harry. I've heard you use some pretty interesting words today."

"That's me rubbing off on him," Claire whispered to Tara, proudly.

"I wasn't laughing at your vocabulary. I actually think it's rather cute." Ginny rolled her eyes.

"Oh, yes, that was definitely the look I was going for," said Ginny, sarcastically.

They strolled along happily, enjoying the weather and each other's company. Claire was sobbing on Tara's shoulder, theatrically.

"Just yesterday he was so small and helpless, and now he's so big and independent. Soon he isn't going to need me anymore, Tara! I just don't know what I'm going to do! It all happened so fast. I don't know what's next...smoking, sex...he might move out of the house!" Tara was trying her hardest not to laugh at Claire. She wouldn't, normally, but she didn't want to disturb Harry and Ginny.

Finally Harry checked his watch. "It's getting pretty late; we probably should start heading back." Neither he nor Ginny wanted the walk to end but Ginny knew that Ron would go crazy if he didn't see her soon.

"Okay," sighed Ginny.

"Don't look sad yet, we've still got quite a long walk back to the castle." Ginny smiled. While they were walking Harry's hand brushed against hers. They both tried to ignore the electric chills that went up their arms. Ginny wanted to hold Harry's hand, but she didn't want to make the first move. Luckily for Ginny, Claire's teaching had made Harry bolder. He grabbed Ginny's hand. They walked like this all the way back to the castle until they saw Ron run towards them. They leapt apart.

"Where have you been?" asked Ron when he reached them.

"Well," replied Ginny before Harry could say anything, "I was just taking a walk around the lake, and was just headed back when I saw Harry. We were going to go back up to the common room."

"Oh," replied Ron. "Well, did you see Hermione when you were out? I've been looking all over for her."

"How did you lose her?" asked Ginny. "Last I saw, you two were "

"You saw us in the Astronomy Tower?" exclaimed Ron. "But...how?"

"Ginny was just kidding, "said Harry. He figured Claire had something to do with this and he'd have to cover for her. Luckily Ginny didn't question Harry, but just nodded. Harry would have to tell her later.

"But, why were you in the Astronomy Tower?" asked Harry, trying to change the subject. It worked. Ron got flustered.

"Well, see, we both got owls from the other person saying to meet them in the Astronomy Tower. I went 'cos I thought maybe Hermione...um...wanted to tell me something about the homework." Ron coughed uncomfortably. "I get up there and Hermione's there, but she said she had gotten an owl from me and wanted to know why I wanted to meet her. I denied it and told her I had gotten an owl from her and then..." Ron trailed off as if something had happened that he didn't want to talk about.

"Ron, if you made a pass at Hermione, it's okay, we both know you have a huge crush on her," said Ginny. Ron looked astonished.

"You...do?"

"Yes, now go on." Still a little amazed, Ron continued his story.

"Anyway, then I said we might as well hang out, seeing as how we were both up there, and she agreed. It was going really, really great, and I mean really great, but then she mentioned something that "Krummy" had told her, and...well..."

"Let me guess. It ended up with a big row between you and Hermione, and now she's said she never wants to speak to you again," said Ginny.

"Umm, yeah, something like that."

"Well, bud," said Harry, patting him on the shoulder, "That should teach you not to get madly jealous every time Hermione mentions another guy, especially Krum. Now go plead for forgiveness and ask her to Hogsmeade tomorrow. Nothin' like butterbeer to make one feel forgiving." Ron just nodded. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I'd like to go to the common room with Ginny. 'Nite, Ron. Good luck with Hermione." Harry patted Ron on the shoulder one more time and dragged Ginny to the common room.

"Since when did you become so wise, Harry?" teased Ginny when they were seated in front of the fire.

"I've always been wise. Besides, Ron and Hermione need to get together already!"

"I agree."

"Well, Gin, I'm exhausted."

"It's only seven thirty!" cried Ginny.

"It's not easy being beautiful all day, Gin. I need my beauty sleep so I can have an equally sexy day tomorrow. I had a good time. We should do this more often." Harry leaned over and gave Ginny a soft kiss on the cheek. This was too much for Claire, who was still watching. She collapsed into tears.

"What is that?" asked Ginny looking around.

"Uhh...probably one of the ghosts. Anyway, g'night, my dear." He got up and walked up the stairs, leaving Ginny dumbfounded on the couch. Once Harry was by himself, he breathed a sigh of relief. He fell on his bed and closed his eyes, trying to relive every moment of that day (at least, the ones without Claire in them). Suddenly, Claire was right beside him.

"You kicked ASS!" yelled Claire, jumping on the bed.

"Where did Tara go?" asked Harry.

"She left. She was tired of being cried on. Besides, with just you and me it's like old times."

"I knew it was you crying!!! Did you follow us the whole time?"

"Yeah..."

"Claire!" he yelled, throwing a pillow at her.

"Oh, come on, you expect me to leave during the most exciting part? Harry, you know me better than that."

"Well, you completely ruined mine and Ginny's moment!"

"I'm sorry, Harry, it's just...it's just..." she collapsed into tears and flew on Harry's chest. Harry awkwardly put his arms around her and rocked her back and forth comfortingly. Suddenly, he heard laughing. He pulled her away from him and saw that she hadn't really been crying.

"What was that all about?" asked Harry. Claire grinned sheepishly.

"I just wanted you to hold me in those big manly arms of yours." She giggled. "You completely fell for it!" Harry reached for the thing closest to him and threw it at her. Luckily, it was just a pillow.

"Hey! Dillhole!" she cried throwing it back at him. Suddenly, they heard voices from behind the door, the door creaked open, and in stepped Ron. Thankfully, Claire had already disappeared from the room. She had left Harry with two pillows thrown haphazardly around his bed. Harry had one in his hand that he was planning on throwing at Claire, but her disappearance had left him in an awkward position.

"Umm, what are you doing, Harry?" asked Ron, closing the door.

"Err, rearranging the...um...rearranging my bed."

"Okay. Hey, do you know what the matter with Ginny is?"

"Why?" asked Harry.

"Well, she was outside the boys' dormitory door crying, and when I came by she ran into the girls' dormitory." Harry thought on it awhile. Suddenly it dawned on him.

_Oh no..._thought Harry.

_A/N: Now...to thank my reviewers!_

_Scrawny Ronnie: Why thank you! I have written more! I hope you laughed. _

_Miss Effie: Thank you, I—wait a minute, that's me, isn't it? (bad joke, sorry...)_

_Harry's4menotu (which I would like to disagree with but...): You'll find out in this EXCLUSIVE chapter. grin (The astricks better work this time...last time they didn't and it pissethed me off.)_

_MyOwnLittleWorld: Thank you for helping me to my computer. I got kind of lost on the way...and I made a detour to the kitchen, but here I am!_

_MovieFan...know what? I'm just gunna call you the MF, sound good?: Got another cookie for me? Thanks for reviewing! You rock!_

_JerryGirl: You owe me a cookie now. _

_TheFlyingMoose: evil laughter_

_TT: Wow...what does TT stand for? Terrible Temptress? [giggles] Well, thank you for reviewing...keep doin' just that!_

_Angelique Durann__: Welcome, welcome. Take off your coat and stay awhile! By the way, why were you typing one-handed-ly? Did you have a cookie for me in the other hand? [giggle]_

_Now, all you lot that HAVEN'T reviewed my story yet (and there are some, I've looked on my stats, and some people have me on there and they HAVEN'T REVIEWED! You know who you are...)! Please review. I mean, seriously, I really appreciate the reviews, and I love getting them. If you like my story (and I hope you do, since you're reading it) why would you not want to review and tell me that? THERE IS NO EXCUSE, NO EXCUSE! WE WILL DO UP-DOWNS UNTIL BLUE IS NO LONGER TIRED, OR—wait, erm, I mean, WE WILL DO UP-DOWNS UNTIL EVERYONE WHO READ THIS STORY REVIEWS!!! THAT MEANS YOU! [breathes heavily] I need a drink of water..._

_P.S. That was a "Remember the Titans" reference, in case you didn't know, in honor of my friend, Tara. _


	7. Whipped Cream

_A/N: I am so sorry for the extreme delay in updating. The only excuse I have was major writer's block on this story—I couldn't figure out a way to solve the whole Ginny-heard-Harry-and-Claire problem, but finally just took the easy way out. I hope this chapter is worth the wait. I'm so, so sorry._

Chapter Seven

Whipped Cream

Claire was sitting at home in front of her computer when she felt an acute pain in her head.

"Ouch!" she exclaimed, rubbing her temples. "Something must be wrong with Harry…"

Harry was lying in his bed, trying to summon Claire. Unfortunately, he didn't have the talent that Claire did of being able to speak in peoples' heads, but he desperately needed to talk to her. Suddenly, to his relief, he heard Claire's voice in his head.

_Bloody hell, Harry, that hurt! What in the world could be the matter?_

_Claire! You have to come here immediately! _

_Why?_

_Just come! And be quiet about it! _Harry didn't hear anything for awhile, until he saw Claire appear at the end of his bed.

"_Silenco!_" she said, waving her finger in the air. "What is the matter?" she asked, worriedly.

"Ginny heard us," he replied. "She heard us!"

"Heard us what?" Claire asked. "Jeez, Harry, you're really worked up!" Claire crawled over to him and put her arm around his shoulder.

"She's going to hate me forever." Harry related the entire Ginny incident to Claire.

"Harry, Harry, calm down. It will be really easy to fix this," Claire reassured him. Harry looked at her, amazed.

"Really?" he asked.

"Harry, you're a wizard…remember?" she said, taking her arm off his shoulder. "There are these things…called memory charms…" Harry laughed in relief.

"I am so stupid."

"I was going to wait until the appropriate age to tell you that, but yes, yes you are." Harry punched her.

"So, you just have to wave your finger, right?" Harry asked. Claire looked at him.

"Actually, no. You're going to have to do this one, Harry."

"Why! It's your fault! You're the one who got me in trouble in the first place!" Claire shrugged.

"It's the rules, Harry."

"Since when have there been rules?"

"Since forever! It says in my handbook, page 321, section 2Z: 'Claire is not allowed to directly and/or permanently change a wizard's feelings, memories, or gender, even if she got them in the trouble in the first place (which is highly probable). Any violations of said law will resort in her powers being taken away for like, basically, forever.' See?" Harry saw that he would have to do this whole thing on his own.

"Fine! You know how much trouble I'm going to get in if I get caught?"

"You won't get caught," Claire reassured him. "I can help with that part. It's just you're the one that has to perform the actual spell." Harry smiled, happy. A few minutes ago, he felt like all was lost, but everything was looking up.

"One thing, though," continued Claire. "The only memory spell that you can perform is one that will, um, kind of totally wipe out her memory for…well, basically…the-entire-day," she rushed the last three words as if they were one, and then hurriedly coughed. "So, off to Ginny's room! We've got to get working on this so we finish it tonight, now don't we? So, you can—" Harry cut her off.

"What did you say?" he asked.

"We've got to get working on this so we can finish it tonight," said Claire, feigning ignorance (an act that she was very, very accomplished at).

"No, the thing before that," said Harry, slowly.

"It wasn't really important. Shouldn't we get working?"

"Claaire…"

"Haaarry…"

"Tell me what you said. Word for word, the entire thing."

"What, the part about 'Haarr—'"

"NO!" replied Harry, getting frustrated. "NOT THAT PART!" Claire paused for a moment, a little put out that Harry yelled at her.

"Okay, fine, but don't shoot the messenger. The only memory spell that you can perform on Ginny will be one that will…that will…wipe out her memory of the entire day…" Claire winced, waiting for Harry's reaction to this bad news.

Harry looked similar to a goldfish for a few moments, before he finally choked out, "The _whole_ day?"

Claire nodded and replied, "The whole day."

"Even the perfectly planned towel and the 'ride my broomstick' line?"

"Yes…even the sexy-ass towel and the genius 'ride my broomstick' line." Harry didn't say anything. He just looked at the curtains hanging around his bed, a disappointed look on his face. "Harry, I know this is really bad but…but, we can't think about that, all right? We really need to get moving on this memory charm thing before Ginny wakes up and makes it harder. Okay?" Harry was quiet. "Come on," continued Claire, replying to his silence, "you're the Boy-Who-Friggin'-Lived! Buck up!" Harry nodded, very slightly. "Now, say, 'Claire, you are abso-bloody-lutely right. I should buck up. I'm damned sexy, I have a six pack, and even if I erase today from Ginny's mind, she'll still love me.'"

"Claire, you are abso-bloody-lutely right. I should buck up. I'm…damned sexy…I have a sick pack, and even if I erase today from Ginny's mind, she'll still…love me," repeated Harry, dutifully. Claire was beginning to make him feel better about the whole situation.

"Okay, now say, 'Claire is amazingly hawt, and even if Ginny doesn't still like me, Claire will always be happy to use me as a sex toy!'" Harry looked at her. "Say it!" After a long pause, he did. Claire giggled.

"That's right," she said. Harry tried hard not to smile. Claire noticed this, and said, "I see that smile…I see that smile!" Harry grinned. "It's amazing, folks, he's smiling! Can we have a round of applause, please?" She waggled her finger and the sound of a stadium of applauding people filled the air.

"Thanks, Claire," said Harry, after she turned off the noise.

"No time to be sappy, we've got a memory to erase! Well, correction…_you_ have a memory to erase. Do you want me in your head or not?"

"Yeah, I wouldn't mind that," replied Harry.

"Aww!" said Claire. "It's almost like you just complimented me!"

"Almost."

"All right, let's get this thing going!" Claire exclaimed. She was going to stay in Harry's bed while he went out with his invisibility cloak. Claire also granted him the "Eyes In Back O' Your Head" charm ("That's not a real charm!" "Yes, it is, Harry, shut up.") and sent him on his way. He crept out of the dormitory, and was heading towards the girls' when Claire said (inside his head), _All right, now, you're going to try to go up the girls' dorm stairs, and they will turn into a slide. So, I'm going to trick the stairs into thinking that you're a girl._

_How? _Harry answered back. He almost screamed as he felt his legs growing longer, his chest expanding, his hair growing…and…well, you get the picture.

_What fresh hell is this? _Harry thought to Claire.

_Hey, I'm saving your arse here; don't complain about my methods, _she snapped back.

Harry sighed, quietly, as he ascended the stairs, worried that at any moment they would turn into a slide, and it would wake every single girl up. They would come down and see Harry dressed in drag…Ginny would get to add horror on top of her feelings of betrayal, and she'd never talk to him. He'd be taken to some correctional facility to spend his life in a white, padded room. Maybe Hermione or Ron would visit him occasionally and give him little mints…his only comfort in the horrible, white world…

_Harry, shut. up. _said Claire. _A correctional facility…you're crazy… _then she snorted at her little joke.

_Claire, shut. up. _said Harry. Claire immediately stopped laughing.

_Ooo, you are funny, aren't you? _she said, sarcastically. By this time, Harry had successfully made it up the stairs and was now standing outside the girls' dormitory door.

_Claire, can you change me back now?_

_Hmm…should I? I dunno…you were pretty mean to me earlier…and besides, I think you look better as a girl. Ginny will probably like you more… _Harry wasn't sure how he was going to grovel in his mind, but, luckily, before he could answer back, he felt himself changing back. Claire was obviously tired of teasing him.

_Thanks! _He thought.

"_Alohomora_," he whispered, waving his wand at the dorm door. He could hear the lock click and he jiggled the knob. The door opened with a very, very noisy creak. He winced and paused for a long time, waiting to see the horrible results of that noise. Surprisingly, no one woke up. No one even stirred!

_Harry, what are you doing? Keep moving!_

_Did you hear the creak?_

_Why does it matter? I put a silencing charm on all noises caused by you, so no on could hear the door, you idiot! _

…_Why didn't you tell me this earlier? _Harry glared at Claire inwardly.

_I thought it would be funnier if I didn't tell you, _replied Claire, flippantly. Harry groaned.

With this new found information he set off quickly to complete his task. He could hear the clock chiming two o'clock…Claire and he had spent a long time talking, but he still had ample time. Now, Harry was inside the girls' dormitory, a place that he had never entered before. Ever.

It was a lot cleaner than the boys' dorms, and the air smelled of…roses? It was actually kind of boring, other than a few articles of lingerie Harry found strewn on the floor.

_Claire, which one is Ginny's bed? _He asked her, looking around at all the beds with the curtains closed tightly.

_Follow your heart, _replied Claire. Harry almost gagged.

_You're kidding me, right? _He answered. Claire giggled.

_Heck yes I'm kidding you. Dolt, I'm not that cheesy. _Suddenly, he felt something pulling on his belly button, much like a Portkey, in the direction of a certain bed.

_That must be it, _thought Harry. But before he could reach it and open the curtains, he heard mutterings from a bed right next to Ginny's.

_That's Hermione's bed, _Claire informed Harry. Harry was interested. What in the world could Hermione be muttering about in her sleep? He walked closer to her bed and put his head against the velvet curtains. She was mumbling, so he could only catch a few words, but that was plenty.

"Ron, I love you too! Oh, Ron! Yes, I do like whipped cream…oh, Ron…if my parents knew…" and then she giggled. Harry turned pasty white.

_Are you making her dream about that? _Harry asked Claire, aghast.

_Nope, she's dreamin' about him all by herself, _replied Claire. _And don't look so disgusted, Harry, I heard you say "broom" and "Ginny" once in your sleep, and I don't think you were talking about Quidditch. _Harry's pasty white was replaced by a bright red. He could hear Claire's laughing in his head. Still embarrassed, he stepped back from Hermione's bed and went to complete his task.

He opened the curtains to Ginny's bed. She was lying on her back, her face turned towards Harry. Her hair was a little mussed up, and her cheeks were flushed pink. She was breathing steadily. Just lying there, Harry knew she was something special. Seeing Ginny in such a vulnerable state made Harry feel extremely protective. He wished that he could lay down right next to her, take her in his arms and spend the whole night like that, and all the nights after.

_Harry… _said Claire. Harry ignored her. _Harry? _He was still wrapped up in his own world. _HARRY! _yelled Claire.

"What!" Harry yelled out loud. Suddenly, Ginny's eyelids fluttered.

_Ah! I thought you said they couldn't hear me! _

_They can't, _replied Claire. Harry was still worried, and stood there, slightly shaking.

"Harry?" mumbled Ginny, sleepily. Harry almost replied, but then it dawned on him. She was having a dream about him! "Harry…Harry, don't leave me." He felt like he was going to burst—he wanted to reply and tell her he wouldn't…she sounded so lost. "Thank you, Harry. Thank you. I just…I just don't ever want to be without you…all right? You'll stay? Promise?"

"I promise," he whispered.

_Oh good god, _interrupted Claire. _This is turning into a damned romance novel. A bad one at that. 'Member what you came here to do, you sentimental fool? _

_Yeah, I remember, _replied Harry, slightly embarrassed. Taking his wand from out of his front pocket, he positioned it above Ginny's temple and recited the charm. He paused, waiting for something to happen.

_That's it, _said Claire. _Now get out of there. _Harry nodded. Taking one last look at Ginny, he drew up her curtains, walked out of the room, down the stairs, up the boys' stairs and into the dorm. Claire smiled at him when she saw him.

"You did it!" she said.

"Yep," he replied.

"Feel better?"

"Yeah…a lot better," he replied, thinking about the dream of Ginny's that he had witnessed.

"I bet! So, time for you to go beddy-bye, eh?"

"Beddy-bye?"

"Yeah…does the ickle Harry want to go beddy-bye?" she said, with an annoyingly sweet baby voice.

"Yes, ickle Harry does want to go to beddy-bye…so…it's time for you to leave," he said, reminding Claire, as it seemed that she didn't realize that's what Harry "wanting to go to beddy-bye" entailed.

"Are you sure you don't want me to stay so you can hold me in your arms?" Claire giggled and began her next sentence is a fake falsetto. "Harry…Harry, do you love me? Will you stay? Promise? Promise?" Harry glared at her, but he couldn't help smiling at the same time. "Ooo, Harry…nice broom…" Now she was going too far.

"Get out!" he half laughed, half yelled. She grinned and then disappeared with a _SWOOSH! _ Shaking his head, he pulled the covers over him and fell fast asleep…his dreams filled with images of Ginny and him, sleeping in each other's arms…

_A/N 2: All right, even though I have been horrible and haven't updated in years, you should still review, because then I'll feel even more guilty and will update the next chapter faster. Es verdad! _

_Thank you to:_

_The Flying Moose: I love you too, m'dear. Here's a muffin. :hands you a big, warm poppy seed muffin from Perkins: Cya in gym! _

_MyOwnLittleWorld: You are seriously one of my favorite reviewers, and I love your stories. I'm not just trying to suck up because I'm a horrible person (well, at least, that's not the whole reason) I really do appreciate it when you review. _

_JerryGirl: Tara, you do too take random boys up into empty rooms. Sorry that I just updated—I got tired of waiting for you to beta. So, guys, all the mistakes in this story? ALL JERRYGIRL'S FAULT. _

_Harry's4menotu: Whoa! Angstness! Hey, but before you hang yourself, review? I WAS JUST KIDDING! Sorry, I'm having a really cynical sense of humor today. Don't hang yourself. (Hey, if you get Harry, can I have Ron?)_

_Tennisaddict107: D'you even read my fanfics anymore? I hope you do, 'cos I love your reviews. I really need to send you some chappies to beta since you're so awesome at it. When are you going to work on YOUR writing? _

_Goatmamma123: I don't know who you are. Stop calling me. Just kidding, love! Thanks for reviewing! Give Alice a kiss for me! But review first!_


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